The Watermelon Tap Beverage Dispenser Kit from Amazon.

At some point in my youth (probably college) I was subjected to a boozy or “drunken” watermelon. You know, the highly inefficient practice of cutting a small hole in the side of a watermelon, pouring in a bottle of vodka, and then plugging it up again.

The concept works in theory. Watermelon is spongy and absorbent, so it should soak up the vodka over the course of 12 hours, making for a delicious and intoxicating summertime treat when you finally cut it open.

But in reality it’s not that simple (nothing ever is, is it?).  You see, a watermelon rind is already full of watermelon, so there is no space for the vodka!  At least not without some serious excavation, and evenly distributing the vodka throughout the melon which is typically more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, in my experience vodka-soaked watermelon isn’t actually as delicious as it’s pitched to be. The vodka breaks through the watermelon’s crispness, making it even stickier than usual.

Still, I’m a sucker for presentation and whimsy. This Fourth of July I was determined to serve something delicious and refreshing out of a watermelon — simply because I saw this product online and couldn’t get it out of my head.  And I don’t mean to be melon-dramatic (eh? ehhh?!), but this purchase is maybe one of the best I’ve ever made.

Watermelon Tap Beverage Dispenser Kit $18.99 on Amazon

I ordered the kit online and it was delivered within two days. 

The Fourth of July weekend was a scorcher this year, so I was happy to have an excuse to hide out in the air conditioned glory of the kitchen.

First, I shaved a thin slice off the bottom of the watermelon, so that it would stand securely upright. 

First, I shaved a thin slice off the bottom of the watermelon, so that it would stand securely upright. 

Next, I cut off the top of the melon — I did a fun starburst shape, in part because I'm full of whimsy, but mostly because I sort of tipsy and forgot I wasn't carving a pumpkin. Upon reflection, the jagged edge was a good idea, as it meant the “lid” was not prone to sliding off.

Then came the messy part. Using a giant metal ladle, I scooped out the watermelon’s guts, which took longer than I'd anticipated. I swear, it seemed like this watermelon was some kind of naturally occurring TARDIS — there was way more watermelon on the inside than the outside let on.

Scooping out the watermelon guts was the messiest part.

When the melon rind was finally empty, and I had three large bowls full of its flesh, I filled a blender with the chunks and hit go.

Putting the watermelon fruit in the blender and prepping the rind. 

While my watermelon smoothie was blending I “tapped the keg”, i.e. I punched a hole in the side of the melon rind near the bottom and inserted the tap. This kit comes with a perfectly-sized corer, which made it very easy!

The kit comes with all the tools needed to turn the watermelon into a drink dispenser. 

The instructions were very clear and simple, it took almost no time at all before the tap was screwed in securely. I was actually a little suspicious/paranoid that it was TOO easy, and I’d done something wrong.

The tools included in the Watermelon Beverage Dispenser Kit. 

Upon reflection, it might have been a good idea to test the seal by putting the watermelon rind into the sink and filling it part way with water, to check for any leaks, before filling it with watermelon juice…but I didn’t do any of that, and Pomona (the goddess of fruitful abundance) was on my side that day. The seal on the tap held strong!

I filled the watermelon rind a third of the way up with ice, and when the first batch of water melon puree in the blender looked smooth enough, I went to pour it into the keg….when suddenly I was struck by the idea that I should probably run it through a sieve first.

Running the blended watermelon through a sieve to prevent blockage.

As it turns out, this was a VERY GOOD IDEA.

Even the most thoroughly-blended watermelon has a viscous quality to it, and develops a kind of thick pink foam. As yummy as it is, several Amazon reviews complained that the tap of the keg was prone to clogging — a problem that I didn’t encounter.  I’m sure this is because of the extra filtering step I took.

I will admit that at around this point, I was wondering if all this work was worth it.  I’d been in the kitchen for about an hour, and party goers cycling through to refresh their drinks and snacks were starting to comment “woah, you’ve been in here for ages!”  I started to fear that the entire endeavor would be wholly anti-climactic.

But never fear, dear reader: This story has a happy ending.

Once the watermelon was half-full of blended and sieved watermelon juice, I filled it up the rest of the way with lemonade and gave it a stir.  I then replaced the melon’s jaunty little cap, and took it outside to grand fanfare.  The rest of the watermelon flesh was blended and filtered and kept in a jug in the fridge for top-ups throughout the afternoon.

The novelty of the keg-tap was incredibly effective — especially amongst the men at the party. It was really quite fun to see the way people reacted to it. It’s so simple, but catches the eye and imagination.

And watermelon-lemonade is DELICIOUS. It is perhaps the most refreshing thing I’ve ever tasted. 100% worth the effort!  10/10 will definitely do it again.

A lot of adults automatically assumed that the watermelon contained booze (and some were disappointed that it did not), but I pointed out that because there were a lot of children at the party, I had elected not to make the juice alcoholic. And besides, anyone who wanted booze in their melonade was free to use it as a mixer.

The watermelon keg was a big hit at my Fourth of July party!

Personally speaking, I found the perfect blend for that hot summer day was half a cup of watermelon-lemonade, topped off with mango-flavored High Noon Vodka Seltzer, with a splash of Malibu Rum. Others were free to mix and match their preferences — some did dark rum, others did vodka…turns out watermelon lemonade goes with just about everything.

Fun fact: watermelons make for excellent insulation! The rind was thick enough that our punch stayed delightfully chilled, despite being in the hot sun all afternoon.  

All in all, it was a major success. I was delighted with this purchase, and highly recommend if you don’t mind the process (and your kitchen maybe looking a little bit like a crime scene) that you give it a go. I will definitely be making another watermelon keg before the summer is out, and then I’ll be busting out this bad boy in the Fall by using it on a pumpkin.

So tap that, baby. Be a total (melon) baller.